The Daily Rash
Satire and parody news magazine
Articles
Moammar Khadafi Seeks Asylum in Alabama
2011-02-22 22:54:35
CRAWDAD, ALABAMA – As war planes flew over Libya’s capital of Tripoli and military snipers took position on rooftops in an apparent attempt to dissuade people from joining the protests that have rocked the north African country, news sources around the world issued reports that Libyan dictator Moammar Khadafi fled the country and was en route to Venezuela. Yet confidential sources inside the Pentagon have informed The Daily Rash that Khadafi has indeed landed in Alabama and is requesting asylum from Governor Robert Bentley and President Obama. It was The Daily Rash that broke the story in October, 2009 that Khadafi had purchased land in Crawdad, Alabama with the intent of opening a day care center which he planned to operate himself. On orders from Khadafi, the Libyan military
2011-02-22 22:54:35
CRAWDAD, ALABAMA – As war planes flew over Libya’s capital of Tripoli and military snipers took position on rooftops in an apparent attempt to dissuade people from joining the protests that have rocked the north African country, news sources around the world issued reports that Libyan dictator Moammar Khadafi fled the country and was en route to Venezuela. Yet confidential sources inside the Pentagon have informed The Daily Rash that Khadafi has indeed landed in Alabama and is requesting asylum from Governor Robert Bentley and President Obama. It was The Daily Rash that broke the story in October, 2009 that Khadafi had purchased land in Crawdad, Alabama with the intent of opening a day care center which he planned to operate himself. On orders from Khadafi, the Libyan military
New York City Passes Law to Begin Executing Smokers
2011-02-16 19:30:42
NEW YORK CITY – The Mayor and City Council of New York approved a bill earlier this month banning smoking in the city’s 1,700 parks and along its 14 miles of city beaches. But yesterday it was announced that another bill with much harsher repercussions will be signed into law. On Monday, Mayor Michael Bloomberg and the City Council passed an ordinance that will allow the NYPD to begin executing cigarette smokers beginning as early as March, 2011. Although most New Yorkers are unconcerned with people smoking cigarettes outdoors, Mayor Bloomberg claims that it is in the best interest of society if well trained NYPD snipers begin systematically executing people who smoke within city limits, including parks and cemeteries. “We recently passed a law that made it illegal to smoke i
2011-02-16 19:30:42
NEW YORK CITY – The Mayor and City Council of New York approved a bill earlier this month banning smoking in the city’s 1,700 parks and along its 14 miles of city beaches. But yesterday it was announced that another bill with much harsher repercussions will be signed into law. On Monday, Mayor Michael Bloomberg and the City Council passed an ordinance that will allow the NYPD to begin executing cigarette smokers beginning as early as March, 2011. Although most New Yorkers are unconcerned with people smoking cigarettes outdoors, Mayor Bloomberg claims that it is in the best interest of society if well trained NYPD snipers begin systematically executing people who smoke within city limits, including parks and cemeteries. “We recently passed a law that made it illegal to smoke i
Learn How to Become God in Five Easy Steps!
2011-02-14 01:22:11
CHICAGO – A local man was startled yesterday morning when he looked out his bedroom window and saw a well dressed man standing in his yard looking back at him. Jordan Michaels told The Daily Rash that he was dressing for work when he noticed the stranger. He said he hesitantly walked to the window and asked if he could be of assistance. “I was hoping that maybe he ran out of gas or something. You know, instead of being somebody who wanted to murder me and my wife, and maybe even rape us. I turned on my video camera just in case I would need documentation for the police. But it turned out the well dressed stranger was a traveling salesman selling an amazing product!” Below is the video Jordan Michaels took of the well dressed salesman in his yard. *Video written and perfor
2011-02-14 01:22:11
CHICAGO – A local man was startled yesterday morning when he looked out his bedroom window and saw a well dressed man standing in his yard looking back at him. Jordan Michaels told The Daily Rash that he was dressing for work when he noticed the stranger. He said he hesitantly walked to the window and asked if he could be of assistance. “I was hoping that maybe he ran out of gas or something. You know, instead of being somebody who wanted to murder me and my wife, and maybe even rape us. I turned on my video camera just in case I would need documentation for the police. But it turned out the well dressed stranger was a traveling salesman selling an amazing product!” Below is the video Jordan Michaels took of the well dressed salesman in his yard. *Video written and perfor
Excessive Fecal Weight Almost Destroyed Their Marriage
2011-02-10 19:11:49
NEEDLES, CALIFORNIA – Until recently, excessive fecal weight had rarely been considered a culprit in the breakdown of a marriage. The idea that they might be hauling around an exorbitant wealth of fecal excess didn’t occur to most people. A majority of Americans were oblivious to the undermining effect a bounty of inner sludge might be having on their relationships, careers, even the ability to participate in community activities. It wasn’t until Colon Flow appeared last year on grocery shelves that twenty-eight million people were made aware that they suffered from a no-good, shiftless, do-nothing bowel. Barb and Don McClousky were on the brink of ending their nine year marriage. Don was on disability and Barb worked ten hour days at the Laundry Chute Dry Cleaners to hel
2011-02-10 19:11:49
NEEDLES, CALIFORNIA – Until recently, excessive fecal weight had rarely been considered a culprit in the breakdown of a marriage. The idea that they might be hauling around an exorbitant wealth of fecal excess didn’t occur to most people. A majority of Americans were oblivious to the undermining effect a bounty of inner sludge might be having on their relationships, careers, even the ability to participate in community activities. It wasn’t until Colon Flow appeared last year on grocery shelves that twenty-eight million people were made aware that they suffered from a no-good, shiftless, do-nothing bowel. Barb and Don McClousky were on the brink of ending their nine year marriage. Don was on disability and Barb worked ten hour days at the Laundry Chute Dry Cleaners to hel
Pre-Super Bowl Angst Causes Man to Shoot His Neighbors
2011-02-07 03:59:45
GARDEN GROVE, CALIFORNIA – Ned Cockburn is an admitted “obsessed NFL fanatic.” A grown man who is crazy about the game, spending what he calls “an unhealthy” amount of time in front of the television watching games, highlights, game replays and analysis. On Sunday, Ned shot sixteen of his neighbors before the Super Bowl started because he was “unable to endure the torture of waiting for the Super Bowl to begin.” With three hours still left before the opening kick-off of Super Bowl XLV, Ned instinctively knew he wasn’t going to make it. He called his brother in Evansville, Indiana and asked him to talk about previous Super Bowl stats with him. His brother told him that he was too busy with an intervention with their alcoholic mother Bernice, t
2011-02-07 03:59:45
GARDEN GROVE, CALIFORNIA – Ned Cockburn is an admitted “obsessed NFL fanatic.” A grown man who is crazy about the game, spending what he calls “an unhealthy” amount of time in front of the television watching games, highlights, game replays and analysis. On Sunday, Ned shot sixteen of his neighbors before the Super Bowl started because he was “unable to endure the torture of waiting for the Super Bowl to begin.” With three hours still left before the opening kick-off of Super Bowl XLV, Ned instinctively knew he wasn’t going to make it. He called his brother in Evansville, Indiana and asked him to talk about previous Super Bowl stats with him. His brother told him that he was too busy with an intervention with their alcoholic mother Bernice, t
Al Gore Trapped in Blizzard En Route to Climate Fundraiser
2011-02-04 01:22:29
CHICAGO – Former Vice President and current global warming superstar, Albert Arnold Gore, Jr. was trapped in his limousine on Chicago’s Lake Shore Drive Wednesday night for over six hours after the limo slid into a twelve foot snow bank. Although Mr. Gore did not receive any physical injuries, his driver said that Mr. Gore may have had a nervous breakdown. A spokesperson for the Gore Empire issued a statement this morning. “Vice President Albert Gore, former U.S. Senator, Grammy and Academy Award winner and humbled recipient of the prestigious Nobel Peace Prize is resting comfortably at his new home in the esteemed Malibu Beach community of beautiful sunny southern California. He would like to express his heartfelt thanks to the tens of millions of devotees who’ve s
2011-02-04 01:22:29
CHICAGO – Former Vice President and current global warming superstar, Albert Arnold Gore, Jr. was trapped in his limousine on Chicago’s Lake Shore Drive Wednesday night for over six hours after the limo slid into a twelve foot snow bank. Although Mr. Gore did not receive any physical injuries, his driver said that Mr. Gore may have had a nervous breakdown. A spokesperson for the Gore Empire issued a statement this morning. “Vice President Albert Gore, former U.S. Senator, Grammy and Academy Award winner and humbled recipient of the prestigious Nobel Peace Prize is resting comfortably at his new home in the esteemed Malibu Beach community of beautiful sunny southern California. He would like to express his heartfelt thanks to the tens of millions of devotees who’ve s
Win a Dream Date with Charlie Sheen Before He Dies
2011-02-01 01:12:43
BEVERLY HILLS – In an effort to raise money for future legal fees, Charlie Sheen’s production company Crash and Burn Productions, along with investors Bruce Jenner, Hulk Hogan and Brett Michaels, is sponsoring a nation wide contest in which some lucky girl can win an all expense paid weekend date with Charlie Sheen, star of the CBS hit sitcom ‘Two and a Half Men.’ National radio commercials have already begun touting the competition as the opportunity of a lifetime for young women around the country. A chance to experience forty-eight “fun filled hours” with one of today’s notoriously self-destructive celebrities who could, at any moment, die from a lethal ingestion of drugs and alcohol, or even end up mangled in a burning Mercedes at the bottom of
2011-02-01 01:12:43
BEVERLY HILLS – In an effort to raise money for future legal fees, Charlie Sheen’s production company Crash and Burn Productions, along with investors Bruce Jenner, Hulk Hogan and Brett Michaels, is sponsoring a nation wide contest in which some lucky girl can win an all expense paid weekend date with Charlie Sheen, star of the CBS hit sitcom ‘Two and a Half Men.’ National radio commercials have already begun touting the competition as the opportunity of a lifetime for young women around the country. A chance to experience forty-eight “fun filled hours” with one of today’s notoriously self-destructive celebrities who could, at any moment, die from a lethal ingestion of drugs and alcohol, or even end up mangled in a burning Mercedes at the bottom of
“Parallel Parking with the Stars” Debuts on NBC
2011-01-19 19:27:36
HOLLYWOOD – In a vigorous effort to compete with Dancing with the Stars, Skating with the Stars and American Idol, NBC announced the premier of their new celebrity competition series “Parallel Parking With The Stars,” which debuts in February. With a newly structured no-holds-barred, winner-take-all approach, NBC is confident ‘Parallel Parking with the Stars’ has the ability to skyrocket the network to number one in the network ratings war. When Paula Abdul’s invigorating Live to Dance series is added into the fray, industry insiders expect the next few months to be quite an exciting time for television. NBC president and CEO Steve Burke told The Daily Rash that the excitement around the network is palpable. “When I pass underlings in the hallway I
2011-01-19 19:27:36
HOLLYWOOD – In a vigorous effort to compete with Dancing with the Stars, Skating with the Stars and American Idol, NBC announced the premier of their new celebrity competition series “Parallel Parking With The Stars,” which debuts in February. With a newly structured no-holds-barred, winner-take-all approach, NBC is confident ‘Parallel Parking with the Stars’ has the ability to skyrocket the network to number one in the network ratings war. When Paula Abdul’s invigorating Live to Dance series is added into the fray, industry insiders expect the next few months to be quite an exciting time for television. NBC president and CEO Steve Burke told The Daily Rash that the excitement around the network is palpable. “When I pass underlings in the hallway I
Joe Biden Doubtful Sarah Palin Acted Alone in Arizona Shootings
2011-01-10 15:55:33
SLIDEL, LOUISIANA – Inside the sparsely populated community room of the Peaceful Twilight Convalescent Home, Vice President Joe Biden was concluding his three hour speech on health care to a mostly unconscious audience. Though there were four women in the back of the room who were alert and functioning, they were engaged in a highly competitive game of euchre and seemed unaware of the Vice President’s message. Biden wrapped up his talk with a joke. “So a guy walks into his doctor’s office and says, ‘Doc, whenever I get up after sleeping, I’m dizzy for half an hour, but then I’m all right.’ The doctor looks over his glasses at him and said, ‘then wait a half hour before you get up!’” Biden sighed through a forced smile and st
2011-01-10 15:55:33
SLIDEL, LOUISIANA – Inside the sparsely populated community room of the Peaceful Twilight Convalescent Home, Vice President Joe Biden was concluding his three hour speech on health care to a mostly unconscious audience. Though there were four women in the back of the room who were alert and functioning, they were engaged in a highly competitive game of euchre and seemed unaware of the Vice President’s message. Biden wrapped up his talk with a joke. “So a guy walks into his doctor’s office and says, ‘Doc, whenever I get up after sleeping, I’m dizzy for half an hour, but then I’m all right.’ The doctor looks over his glasses at him and said, ‘then wait a half hour before you get up!’” Biden sighed through a forced smile and st
Wikileaks: Carrot Top – CIA Experiment Gone Terribly Awry
2010-12-02 04:05:46
WASHINGTON – The Obama administration has been slow to react to one of the more controversial government secrets revealed in the latest Wikileaks documents, namely the CIA’s top secret experimentation with Las Vegas entertainer Carrot Top. Emails reveal the extreme “unease” of several high ranking officials with regard to the CIA’s top secret project: “Operation Carrot Top.” In one alarming message, CIA director Leon Panetta exclaims to Secretary of Defense Robert Gates, “Operation Carrot Top has gone terribly awry!” And several “top secret” cables between Panetta and Gates allude to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton “distancing herself” from further involvement with Operation Carrot Top. A cable from Hillary to
2010-12-02 04:05:46
WASHINGTON – The Obama administration has been slow to react to one of the more controversial government secrets revealed in the latest Wikileaks documents, namely the CIA’s top secret experimentation with Las Vegas entertainer Carrot Top. Emails reveal the extreme “unease” of several high ranking officials with regard to the CIA’s top secret project: “Operation Carrot Top.” In one alarming message, CIA director Leon Panetta exclaims to Secretary of Defense Robert Gates, “Operation Carrot Top has gone terribly awry!” And several “top secret” cables between Panetta and Gates allude to Secretary of State Hillary Clinton “distancing herself” from further involvement with Operation Carrot Top. A cable from Hillary to