The Nothing Report
The most rediculous thing you\'ve read since the Davinci Code
Articles
The Reality of Super Mario
2012-03-07 15:52:00
You'd think video games used to be simple. Back in the day, you had a joystick with one button. After that, you had a direction pad with two buttons. Now you've got two kids, a nagging wife, and no money left for the strip club, a direction pad, two sticks, a kick start, four plug outlets, a Dolby surround sound speaker system, and eighty-three buttons. Things get more complicated as the years go by. Run, jump, hit that block, kick that turtle, straddle that flagpole... The goal was easy; Get to from the left side to the right side before the clock runs out. (Isn't it odd the movie 'In Time' mimics perfectly what happens when the timer reaches zero?) Nowadays, it seems like everything has to have a story. There needs to be character development, rich environmental eye candy, nonstop f-bombs, lies about cake, something about... hot coffee... No more up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start. We need achievements, unlockables, 3-dimensional concept art, and eigh
2012-03-07 15:52:00
You'd think video games used to be simple. Back in the day, you had a joystick with one button. After that, you had a direction pad with two buttons. Now you've got two kids, a nagging wife, and no money left for the strip club, a direction pad, two sticks, a kick start, four plug outlets, a Dolby surround sound speaker system, and eighty-three buttons. Things get more complicated as the years go by. Run, jump, hit that block, kick that turtle, straddle that flagpole... The goal was easy; Get to from the left side to the right side before the clock runs out. (Isn't it odd the movie 'In Time' mimics perfectly what happens when the timer reaches zero?) Nowadays, it seems like everything has to have a story. There needs to be character development, rich environmental eye candy, nonstop f-bombs, lies about cake, something about... hot coffee... No more up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start. We need achievements, unlockables, 3-dimensional concept art, and eigh
That's Just... Special Needs?
2011-10-12 11:22:00
When I was a kid, we used to call each other names, like butt-head, momma's boy, and dingle-berry (those little chunks of poop that hang to the hair on your sphincter). We said things like, "I know you are, but what am I" and the other kid would try to say something new, as to expand their vocabulary skills. Some people said those things to make others feel bad, some people like me used to say them just to get a laugh out of everyone else, but most of the other kids used those words primarily to hear the words themselves come out of their mouth, as if it was some sort of a rite of passage into becoming an adult. Nowadays, I don't really think it's all that different. We call each other fagot, retard, nigger, spic, cracker, fat-ass, bitch, and sometimes Chester the child molester. A lot of the time, friends will use these words to joke around with each other without any kind of hostility; it's just a way for them to express their comfort level with each other and maybe get a laugh in
2011-10-12 11:22:00
When I was a kid, we used to call each other names, like butt-head, momma's boy, and dingle-berry (those little chunks of poop that hang to the hair on your sphincter). We said things like, "I know you are, but what am I" and the other kid would try to say something new, as to expand their vocabulary skills. Some people said those things to make others feel bad, some people like me used to say them just to get a laugh out of everyone else, but most of the other kids used those words primarily to hear the words themselves come out of their mouth, as if it was some sort of a rite of passage into becoming an adult. Nowadays, I don't really think it's all that different. We call each other fagot, retard, nigger, spic, cracker, fat-ass, bitch, and sometimes Chester the child molester. A lot of the time, friends will use these words to joke around with each other without any kind of hostility; it's just a way for them to express their comfort level with each other and maybe get a laugh in
Pro Life, Pro Death, Pro Choice, Pro Choiceless
2011-10-04 20:37:00
Sometimes, there's a need to be serious. This is not one of those times; but if I'm known for one thing, I'm known for controversy. Why? Because it's fun and it's free. It's fun because people get offended all day long and I was put on this Earth by God himself to put my finger in your face and poke you over and over, asking you if it's annoying yet. Why do people get mad because you dislike, disagree, teach/preach against whatever it is they're promoting? That's simple. People hate your opinion because they want their peers to think their opinion is right. When you challenge that absolute authority, you're trying to get a piece of the lion's elk. Sometimes you can have the end that loosened up postmortem, but they usually save that end for Kathy Griffin. People ask all the time, are you "pro choice" or "pro life" ? Do they ask because they're curious like asking you your favorite color? Hardly. They ask you because they're dying to tell you their stance on the issue and most like
2011-10-04 20:37:00
Sometimes, there's a need to be serious. This is not one of those times; but if I'm known for one thing, I'm known for controversy. Why? Because it's fun and it's free. It's fun because people get offended all day long and I was put on this Earth by God himself to put my finger in your face and poke you over and over, asking you if it's annoying yet. Why do people get mad because you dislike, disagree, teach/preach against whatever it is they're promoting? That's simple. People hate your opinion because they want their peers to think their opinion is right. When you challenge that absolute authority, you're trying to get a piece of the lion's elk. Sometimes you can have the end that loosened up postmortem, but they usually save that end for Kathy Griffin. People ask all the time, are you "pro choice" or "pro life" ? Do they ask because they're curious like asking you your favorite color? Hardly. They ask you because they're dying to tell you their stance on the issue and most like
Facebook Changes and You Can't Stand It
2011-09-22 11:40:00
I've been hearing rumors going around lately that it stings when I pee. Why is it I'm always the last to hear about these things? You would think for once I could be the one to come up with a new rumor, but every time I think of something, I have to stop what I'm doing to go to the bathroom... and it hurts really bad.People have been complaining a lot lately about what Facebook is doing with its interface. Apparently people dislike change; so much in fact, they use Facebook's new interface to bitch about Facebook's new interface. All day long for at least the last two days I've seen statuses pop up basically stating that Facebook needs to stop changing the mechanics in how we use it to convey important information like what song lyrics explain our entire lives, which chain letter about Jes
2011-09-22 11:40:00
I've been hearing rumors going around lately that it stings when I pee. Why is it I'm always the last to hear about these things? You would think for once I could be the one to come up with a new rumor, but every time I think of something, I have to stop what I'm doing to go to the bathroom... and it hurts really bad.People have been complaining a lot lately about what Facebook is doing with its interface. Apparently people dislike change; so much in fact, they use Facebook's new interface to bitch about Facebook's new interface. All day long for at least the last two days I've seen statuses pop up basically stating that Facebook needs to stop changing the mechanics in how we use it to convey important information like what song lyrics explain our entire lives, which chain letter about Jes
DC Comics Negates My Ability to Count With the New 52
2011-08-24 00:32:00
To clear the air in so many words, this article may appear smooth and fluid, but that's really only because I am. I wouldn't quite call Taco Bell Mexican food per se, but it wouldn't be lying to consider it a class four narcotic, in that it places you ever so softly in another plane of existence where poop and farts are the same thing. Do you remember the Bog of Eternal Stench in the Labyrinth? Imagine instead of you falling into it, it falls out of you...very quickly.Getting into the subject matter at hand. DC comics has announced that it would be rebooting a crap ton of titles, starting the issues off at number one. This has been circulating around the internet for some time and I'm just getting around to writing about it now because, well, I have a life and I get laid on a regular basis
2011-08-24 00:32:00
To clear the air in so many words, this article may appear smooth and fluid, but that's really only because I am. I wouldn't quite call Taco Bell Mexican food per se, but it wouldn't be lying to consider it a class four narcotic, in that it places you ever so softly in another plane of existence where poop and farts are the same thing. Do you remember the Bog of Eternal Stench in the Labyrinth? Imagine instead of you falling into it, it falls out of you...very quickly.Getting into the subject matter at hand. DC comics has announced that it would be rebooting a crap ton of titles, starting the issues off at number one. This has been circulating around the internet for some time and I'm just getting around to writing about it now because, well, I have a life and I get laid on a regular basis
The Battle of the Century: Batman VS Jesus Christ
2011-06-30 13:58:00
There have been many heroes throughout history; some from a fictional world where anything can happen, some from the real world where anything rarely happens, and some from Connecticut. One of my favorites of all time is Batman, the Dark Knight himself. Batman is not only one of the world's greatest martial artists, arguably the world's greatest detective, and the protector of Gotham City, but thanks to his appearances in the Justice League, he has also had a hand in saving the world/universe/multiverse countless times.On the other side of the Red Sea, we have what some believers would call the Savior of the world, the Redeemer of mankind, the King of the Jews, the Son of God, the Messiah, that guy, and sometimes Alex..... Jesus Christ. Some Atheists and non-believers would argue whether o
2011-06-30 13:58:00
There have been many heroes throughout history; some from a fictional world where anything can happen, some from the real world where anything rarely happens, and some from Connecticut. One of my favorites of all time is Batman, the Dark Knight himself. Batman is not only one of the world's greatest martial artists, arguably the world's greatest detective, and the protector of Gotham City, but thanks to his appearances in the Justice League, he has also had a hand in saving the world/universe/multiverse countless times.On the other side of the Red Sea, we have what some believers would call the Savior of the world, the Redeemer of mankind, the King of the Jews, the Son of God, the Messiah, that guy, and sometimes Alex..... Jesus Christ. Some Atheists and non-believers would argue whether o
The Situation on The Trump Roast: Bombed like Hiroshima
2011-03-16 17:42:00
I haven't seen anyone try to tell jokes and fail as bad since Jesus told everybody he was just kidding. My wife and I watched the Roast of Donald Trump last night and let me tell you, most of it was pretty funny; but the embarrassment that this no-talent greaser "the Situation" faced was almost too horrible to watch. I thought everyone had some good jokes, including Seth McFarland and Anthony Jeselnik (which was my personal favorite for the night.), but then, out of the blue, I notice this guy cast as one of the roasters, who looks like an orange Julius come to life, make the most awful jokes I've ever heard. The Situation got nothing but silence and boos from the crowd; something I've never seen on a celebrity roast. Where's Greg Giraldo when you need him?I absolutely have to know who hir
2011-03-16 17:42:00
I haven't seen anyone try to tell jokes and fail as bad since Jesus told everybody he was just kidding. My wife and I watched the Roast of Donald Trump last night and let me tell you, most of it was pretty funny; but the embarrassment that this no-talent greaser "the Situation" faced was almost too horrible to watch. I thought everyone had some good jokes, including Seth McFarland and Anthony Jeselnik (which was my personal favorite for the night.), but then, out of the blue, I notice this guy cast as one of the roasters, who looks like an orange Julius come to life, make the most awful jokes I've ever heard. The Situation got nothing but silence and boos from the crowd; something I've never seen on a celebrity roast. Where's Greg Giraldo when you need him?I absolutely have to know who hir
Die More Harder - Ver. 2
2010-09-04 20:56:00
This post was one of my favorites. It was featured on a site called Scrivel.com A while back, but I made a deal with the site moderator that I wouldn't post the same things on there that I did here. Since the a$$hole edited my material just before I quit posting (and that's a no-no where I stand), I might as well let you read it from my home page. For the record, when someone wants to feature your writing on their site and they tell you they WILL NOT edit your work, they will re-neg on that promise 100% of the time. Oh, and to be a bigger a$$hole, I edited it myself for this post.originally posted: October 2008yes, I was at Wal-Mart and took this picture myself. The Die Hard DVD case was a copy of the Die Hard 2 DVD case, just reversed.With the latest Die Hard movie, whatever the nam
2010-09-04 20:56:00
This post was one of my favorites. It was featured on a site called Scrivel.com A while back, but I made a deal with the site moderator that I wouldn't post the same things on there that I did here. Since the a$$hole edited my material just before I quit posting (and that's a no-no where I stand), I might as well let you read it from my home page. For the record, when someone wants to feature your writing on their site and they tell you they WILL NOT edit your work, they will re-neg on that promise 100% of the time. Oh, and to be a bigger a$$hole, I edited it myself for this post.originally posted: October 2008yes, I was at Wal-Mart and took this picture myself. The Die Hard DVD case was a copy of the Die Hard 2 DVD case, just reversed.With the latest Die Hard movie, whatever the nam
LOST Just Gave Me a Penguin
2010-05-24 16:35:00
With the final season of LOST coming to a close with the book-ended eye flutters of Dr. Jack Shephard, somehow I feel like most of the general populace as I watched a plane fly over the island, made it through the first commercial, and said... "what?". For those of you who don't like spoilers, I promise I won't give anything away... anything at all.(But let's be honest, it could have looked more like this:)Ok, so everybody dies and all dogs go to heaven, except for Michael because he's a jackass and his son is apparently eight feet tall. The ending was actually the end... and then another end after the ending, where Mr. Echo was no where to be found. I have no idea why the writers of LOST make it apparent that black people (except for Rose because she's a sweetie) don't get to go to church
2010-05-24 16:35:00
With the final season of LOST coming to a close with the book-ended eye flutters of Dr. Jack Shephard, somehow I feel like most of the general populace as I watched a plane fly over the island, made it through the first commercial, and said... "what?". For those of you who don't like spoilers, I promise I won't give anything away... anything at all.(But let's be honest, it could have looked more like this:)Ok, so everybody dies and all dogs go to heaven, except for Michael because he's a jackass and his son is apparently eight feet tall. The ending was actually the end... and then another end after the ending, where Mr. Echo was no where to be found. I have no idea why the writers of LOST make it apparent that black people (except for Rose because she's a sweetie) don't get to go to church
"The Nothing Report" & "Braking Entertainment" Both Hate Oasis
2010-01-13 21:47:00
I've finally finished my first video to be released on Youtube which happens to be a literal music video. If you're bored and get burnt out on chronically masturbating to cross-dressing pigmys that eat placentas and finger paint on each other with hamster poo, you can check it out here. In the course of my life on youtube, I'll be doing video blogs for The Nothing Report, maybe more literal videos, some other stuff in the style of Mystery Science Theater 3000, and if we ever get some money we'll begin our sit-com project "Braking News" The name for our database of thought is kind of a play on that name, Braking Entertainment. We don't have our own website yet; let's face it, I'm just not that technologically advanced. The best I can do is spend a day and a half figuring out how to fumble m
2010-01-13 21:47:00
I've finally finished my first video to be released on Youtube which happens to be a literal music video. If you're bored and get burnt out on chronically masturbating to cross-dressing pigmys that eat placentas and finger paint on each other with hamster poo, you can check it out here. In the course of my life on youtube, I'll be doing video blogs for The Nothing Report, maybe more literal videos, some other stuff in the style of Mystery Science Theater 3000, and if we ever get some money we'll begin our sit-com project "Braking News" The name for our database of thought is kind of a play on that name, Braking Entertainment. We don't have our own website yet; let's face it, I'm just not that technologically advanced. The best I can do is spend a day and a half figuring out how to fumble m